I've been using my dilators steadily for 1 month! (Round of applause please).
If the world was back to normal I would celebrate with a glass of cool prosecco on a sun drenched terrace overlooking the pacific ocean with a light breeze running through my hair. But the world is about as far from normal as it's possible to get. And so tonight I will sip a cold G&T in bed as the rain hammers on the window.
It's been a busy week!
I've named my vagina Narla, I came up with some super-villain names for my dilators, I've had three job interviews, an art therapy session where I drew my own vulva, created a load of vaginismus related art, explored a female porn website and tried some sexual well-being audio guides. And that's on top of dilating and writing!
You would be correct in assuming that I don't get out much.
Dilating Progress
It's been 2 weeks since I moved down from dilator 4 to dilator 3 (boooooo) and I'm pleased to say I'm feeling pretty good about my progress since then. I can also happily confirm that I have not (yet) moved down to dilator 2. Phew. So now that I've said that you can expect me to be on dilator 2 next week..
I'm feeling surprisingly ok about having moved down a size, it is so frustrating when you don't progress as fast as you want with dilators, and even more so when you go backwards, but I've come to terms with it. I know that the only way to get out of this situation is to keep going forward. I also leveraged support on some forums this week to make me feel less alone in this journey. Women are amazingly supportive.
Part of the motivation to go back to dilator 3 was to work on getting comfortable with movement/friction as well as the dilator just being inserted. This has been going really well. After the dilator has been in for a couple of minutes I tilt it from side to side then forwards and backwards (very gently!) and occasionally twist it slowly or move it in and out. I was really nervous about doing this because I just KNEW it was going to hurt. In actual fact it was no where near as bad as I was expecting, so I'm really glad I started working on this. It's not 100% comfortable, sometimes it does feel a little painful but I'm really impressed at how quickly I'm starting to break down that fear/pain cycle on this. Obviously I'm still a long way from the finish line but it's a marathon not a sprint.
Although I haven't advanced dramatically with dilator 3, I'm feeling pretty good about every session I've had this week, which is really nice to be able to say. I'm also getting more comfortable each week with looking at and touching my vulva (per my art sessions!) and that's got to be a good thing!
Motivation (or lack of)
Motivation has unfortunately been a bit elusive this week. Not because I don't want it enough or that I don't believe in the process, but because its just really hard to keep going with vaginal dilators!
My sessions have on the whole been pretty good and even so, some nights I consider skipping a session. So far I've been able to catch these thoughts and persevere with the session despite them but I know that one day I will give in. Particularly when life gets back to its normal pace and I have less time and energy. It's not necessarily going to be catastrophic but it might slow things down, so while I do have the time and energy, I need to stick to my routine so I can make this a habit, then I'm less likely to quit.
I'm trying to keep myself motivated by keeping regular diary entries, maintaining this blog, creating art, making my sessions fun and most importantly I'm just trying to get into a routine of dilating regularly. I think one thing that would REALLY help is to get an accountability buddy and I'm working on that so watch this space!
Hello Arousal
I've been experimenting this week with arousal and finding ways to increase it. This is both FUN and also pretty useful for dilating. The thing is if we don't get comfortable with finding out more about ourselves and how we are aroused then we can't ask for what we want from partners and sex might not be as good as it could be, or worse, it might be painful.
My therapist encouraged me to work on using arousal with my dilators because well, that's the whole point of sex and its really important. Yes it feels good but it also has physiological changes for the body. As I've been working on this for a while, I'm already pretty comfortable with arousal and masturbation (I still hate this word..) but it's always good to try new things!
This week I found the Emjoy app and I checked out a Bellesa.com which are both seriously useful in very different ways! Emjoy takes you along a personal journey to explore your own sexual well-being through audio guides on topics like pleasure, arousal, self esteem, body image and all sorts of other things. Each topic has a series of audio guides to work through and the app directs you to relevant topics by asking you to set some personal goals when you download the app - for example Boost self esteem, Increase libido, Stay present during intimacy, Discover yourself. There are also some audio guides which are basically erotic stories that you could try using for arousal. Bellesa is a porn website made for women (yes, that actually exists!) so naturally it has a lot of visual material in video form. Some of which you need to subscribe to view but it does have some free videos and stories which you can read for free. I think Emjoy would be a great gentle introduction for those who are a little nervous of exploring arousal because it's about more than just sex. It feels like it's focused on you getting to know yourself first and foremost.
Emjoy has some free sections but I would say they are very limited and just a taster before you subscribe, though the annual price is fairly low at £19.99 for an annual subscription. I think I will sign up to give it a go. Bellesa also has subscription fee's but they do have quite a bit of free material to check out first.
Looking forward to next week
So what does next week look like?
Continue to focus on dilator 3 with a little movement, every other day
Continue working on exploring arousal for fun
Put a few 'anniversaries' in my calendar ahead of time so that I remember to celebrate! (must not to use them as milestone measurements).
Try some shorter sessions so I can still fit dilating in, even when I'm busy
A final parting note: I've just realised that Villanelle (like from Killing Eve) would be a GREAT name for a vagina. You are welcome to try it on for size.
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