I'm a couple of weeks into what I'm calling my 'third phase' of vaginal dilating to treat my Vaginismus. Third time lucky, right? I'm feeling pretty determined right now but it doesn't take much to nudge me off track. That should be obvious from the fact that I just told you this is my third attempt at dilating. So I've been thinking about how to maintain that motivation.
It feels pretty difficult to do this on my own. No one challenges me if I skip a week, or two, or three. No one challenges me if I give up and put my dilators away in a dark corner, because no one knows that I'm doing it. I ran out of NHS therapy sessions and then moved out of the area so I can't go back to the same lady. I'm also not working RN due to the pandemic situation, so I can't afford to commit to private sessions. Even if I could afford them, these would presumably be remote video sessions from home and since I'm having to live with my parents for the time being until work resumes, I'll pass on that, thanks. It's bad enough dilating from here in the middle of the night, let alone attending daytime audible therapy sessions.
In a way that's all good because historically I have a tendency to cave under external pressure (particularly from partners). But it also makes giving up SUPER easy. This is my usual pattern - see if you recognise it:
Excited, energised and determined to beat Vaginismus I start dilating enthusiastically. I keep a diary, I am buoyed up by progress, I can see light at the end of the tunnel.
Some sort of life event happens (I get stuck in a rut with dilator X, work gets insane, my period arrives, I'm sick, there is some family drama, I get a new boyfriend etc) and I miss a few days, and then a few more, and then suddenly it's been weeks. Hello guilt.
The break increases exponentially, as does the guilt each time, because it feels like failure on top of failure. I feel so much guilt I can't bring myself to start again.
And I quit.
Months pass in blissful ignorance of my Vaginismus (I'm single, remember). Until something clicks again (possibly the thought of dying alone and sexless) and I pick up my dilators, determined to beat Vaginismus.
And so the cycle continues.
So how do we keep going?! Please tell me your secrets, oh wise women who have recovered. From what I've read online about other women's experiences this is pretty common. I've had breaks due to sickness, meeting a new partner, long hours at work, stress, holidays, moving countries (its really hard to fly with dilators in your suitcase without being pulled over to answer some deeply awkward questions - more on this in a later post, I promise). The point is, there aren't many people that I've heard about (except on Vaginismus product websites obviously) that just pick up their first dilator and magically a few weeks later they are cured and are having sex with everything that moves. It doesn't usually go like that. It takes a really long time, it requires some real strong determination and motivation, and we all go through times in life where we just can't do it anymore, for whatever reason. And that's ok! Recovery from Vaginismus isn't something you can force. It takes time. I think I'm accepting more and more these days that my journey will end, I'm not sure when, but it will. I'm further along in my dilator set than I've been in a long time, and that's having had some pretty hefty breaks. So I try to remember that if I need to take a short break, so that I don't beat myself up and I can get back on the horse quickly.
But what can we do to keep going in the first place?
I'm thinking about my own motivations for continuing with my treatment. One of the biggest thoughts is that I JUST WANT THIS TO ALL END PLEASE NOW. And that isn't going to happen if I don't dilate. But I'm not sure that's the best motivator. If all we had to do was want it to end, we'd all have finished by now, and we haven't. So here's some slightly more constructive ideas for motivation:
Know that it IS treatable and you CAN recover. This is a big reason why my second and third dilator attempts were WAY more successful than the first. The difference was that I had a diagnosis and I could see that this was a legitimate treatment that had pretty good success rates, and I understood it. The internet is full of stories from women who have overcome Vaginismus.
Make it fun. Try to maintain some sort of healthy sexual relationship (either solo, or with your partner) that does not hinge in any way on penetrative sex so you are building some positive sexual experiences. Make your dilation sessions about pleasure too. Try new things - buy a vibrator, or a new lube.
Celebrate your achievements. Whether its telling a friend about your Vaginismus, enjoying non penetrative sex, or getting your first dilator in successfully. Celebrate it some how.
Keep a dilator diary. I did this for my second dilating attempt and I'm getting real serious about it for attempt 3! I keep a personal diary, I keep track of each session, and I'm also using this blog to track my progress. It helps me see how I'm doing over time, and it's generally quite therapeutic.
Get an accountability buddy. If you are lucky enough to have a therapist then these guys can keep you on track (assuming you go to the appointment! If you don't, a fellow Vaginismus buddy would be great for this too (if anyone wants to be mine, please drop me a message!). Your partner or a friend may also be good for this, but they need to be compassionate and understand the process
Get it in the diary! I book my sessions into my calendar, so I don't forget and book anything else in. That's not a risk these days due to Covid ruining any social life I once had but still, get it in the diary.
Goals. Set some goals for yourself. I don't mean a big scary end goal of having PIV sex but what are some smaller goals you can actually achieve in the next few weeks?
Make it easy. Have everything you need on hand. Don't hide your dilators way in multiple layers of bags, boxes or bubble wrap (I'm still a little guilty of this but, again, I live with my parents currently so this is a necessary level of hiddenness). This also has the benefit of you seeing it every day, so it's normalised and also it reminds you to do it!
I did a big old overshare and wrote a post on my Vaginismus dilating routine here if you want some more specific experiences on how I carry out my dilator sessions in a way that works for me.
What are YOUR top tips for staying motivated?! I'm on round three here so please let me know how you keep going, I could use all the motivation I can get!
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