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Dilating Diaries: Coping with Setbacks - How to keep going when you have to go down a dilator size?

I don't think there's a single woman out there who hasn't have a set back in her treatment for Vaginismus. It feels really shitty. For me, right now, this looks a lot like going back down a dilator size. URGH. I hated typing this out.


Unfortunately with Vaginismus, sometimes going backwards is necessary. And it sucks. But it's necessary all the same. That's easy to say but very hard to swallow. It comes as a real blow. It makes me feel sick and is extremely demoralising. I don't deal well with 'failures' of any kind. I take it extremely personally and go into a bit of a downward spiral.

I know logically its OK to go back a step. I've done it before and I know I'll probably do it again at some point. But it still feels like a failure, even when I know it ISN'T.

It's just a dip along the squiggly journey that is our recovery. I know I'll bounce back. But this morning it didn't feel like it. I got inside my own head and was having a lot of negative thoughts like "what is the even the point", "maybe I'm just someone who can't fully recover" and "I've wasted all that progress", "what was the point in having the Botox". ETC. ETC. That was about 12 hours ago and I'm feeling much better about it now. PHEW.



Ok maybe not quite as happy as a car dog with its tongue flapping in the breeze, but I'm feeling OK. So how did I get from feeling like a failure, to accepting it and moving forward?


I decided to spend the day thinking of anything but Vaginismus.


I've been spending a LOT of time thinking, reading and writing about Vaginismus as well as dilating, and I think I needed some head space after this set back. I know that sounds like avoidance, and it is really, but sometimes its helpful for a few hours. Once I had blissfully ignored it, I was able to spend some time doing things that I enjoy, to make myself feel better. I had a long hot shower with some fancy shower gel. I finished a painting I was working on, took a long walk, I made a nice dinner, and finished watching a film I'd cut short last night in favour of dilating. Then I wrote down how I was feeling.


And I looked at the words. I countered the questions and the negativity with more realistic objectivity (I find I can do this more easily once its down on paper) and I started to look at how I was going to move FORWARD, rather than looking back at where I had just come from. That takes time and practice to do, and it is hard sometimes not to get overwhelmed by your negative emotions.

Now I'm able to think a bit more clearly, here's my strategy to get past this set back (I bloody LOVE a plan):


  • I'm going to go back down to dilator 3 and focus not just on insertion (which I'm fairly comfortable with) but also moving it around (in, out, side to side). When I've mastered that I will work on twisting gently. I will do these things individually, not all at the same time in one session.

  • I'm going to do this VERY SLOWLY. Like 10x more slow than I think is appropriate, because that's usually about the right speed.

  • I will make sure my next session is more FUN, because I want to look forward to it.

  • If I feel like it's still useful, I will continue to use dilator 4 occasionally, so I don't lose the progress that I've made (I reserve the right to scrap this one at any stage!).

  • I'm going to maintain all my other goals as they still work for me.


How failure can actually be positive and lead us to be better versions of ourselves


I recently read the bestseller 'How to Fail' by the wonderful Elizabeth Day. The book centre's on the concept that every failure we experience teaches us something and makes us the person that we are. I find her take on failure really engaging and its absolutely true. Just because something feels bad at the time doesn't mean we can't learn from it and be better because of it. But recognising that requires a lot of time and distance. Elizabeth discusses in great depth her past failures in every area of life - school, work, relationships and more - and how they have made her who she is. Reading this book during a difficult year (2020 - enough said) has helped me to put more than one problem into perspective. It helps me to step back and to say 'ok this is where I am TODAY, but tomorrow or next week or next year, I'll be somewhere better' and that's pretty empowering. I highly recommend it for anyone going through a tough time.


So what might I take from my 'failure' in this scenario, having to go back a step with my dilators? Well, I'm not sure yet. At the very least it will probably remind me of the absolute importance of feeling comfortable and taking this process gradually. It might mean that when I get to dilators 4 and 5 that I'm coming at it from a better place so I have more success than I did before. It has already pushed me to research further into techniques and practices that I can try. And most of all, it might teach me a lesson in dealing with 'failure' and not giving up easily.


But who knows! I'll let you know as the weeks tick by what epiphanies I may or may not have. Maybe I need a post on what I've learned from my 'failure' to have PIV sex!

Remember to be extra kind to yourself today & also please let me know how you stay positive!

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