Lying in bed at 1am this morning my mind was about as peaceful as a lunchtime spin class. I think a lot (too much?) about Vaginismus. I think about it before, during and after I dilate. I think about it whenever someone mentions dating, having kids, or anything to do with sex. I think about it when I write these posts. I think about it when I see couples in the street. Needless to say, vaginas are on my mind one way or another for basically ALL of the day. And not in a good way.
Today, my brain came up with a brand new Vaginismus-related fear. Because well why not. Here it is ladies and vaginas: What happens when I overcome Vaginismus?
That's right. What if exactly what I want to happen actually bloody happens?! Honestly my brain is so good at scaremongering it should work for the Mail. Here's a sample of the 'what-if' spiral that I got sucked into in the early hours:
What if full recovery isn't possible. What if I still have Vaginismus to some extent forever?
What if I don't have Vaginismus and it's something else? Or I have Vaginismus PLUS something else? (this reflects my distrust of doctors more than anything)
What if I recover from this (wahoo!) but I don't have anyone to actually have sex with and I lose all that progress (booooo). Do I just have to keep dilating interminably until a knight in shining condoms appears and rescues me from dilator hell? OMG WHAT IF THIS IS HELL.
What if I recover fully from Vaginismus but I still end up alone because I'm not very good at relationships? (an overshare, but an alarmingly real possibility)
What if I recover from this but I don't enjoy sex? (good god... but at least that's still better than living with vaginal pain?)
What if I recover but Vaginismus reoccurs at some point in the future. Maybe another bad experience or spontaneous reoccurrence? (urgh)
Some of these are actually pretty realistic. It's realistic that I may not make a full recovery and that I may have to make special allowances for my Vaginismus for a while or even forever. A lot of the research out there on Vaginismus treatments seems to categorise recovery as the subject having engaged in penetrative sex. It doesn't often explain what constitutes penetrative sex. Does it mean just that you have sex once? or on an on-going basis? Did they consider pain levels or dare I say it, pleasure?
It's also very very possible that my trust and commitment issues are more of the reason why I'm not in a relationship than the Vaginismus itself and dilating isn't going to get rid of those. That's going to take some additional personal development which is quite possibly harder than dilating. GAHHHH.
I'm also quite nervous about who I will be without Vaginismus (LOL what?). Obviously I want to make a full recovery, otherwise I wouldn't be shoving bits of plastic into my foof each night. But Vaginismus is such a huge part of my life and identity, even if it is a part that I don't share very often (IRL. Obviously I overshare on here all the time to make up for it). It's the reason that I don't casually date, the reason I've stayed in relationships too long and the reason for them ending. It's the reason I don't trust doctors. It's the reason I'm not that close to my friends. It's the reason I'm so good at keeping secrets. It's the reason I don't open up to people. It's the reason I spend most of my evenings alone with my dilators rather than going out partying (ok, pre-covid and also not really because hangovers are so bad now). Vaginismus has had a big hand in shaping who I am so it's kinda scary (good-scary?) to think about what 'me' looks like after I get rid of it. I think that's ok though. I think it's normal to worry about what effect such a big change might have on your life. It's also kinda exciting. Maybe I can improve on some of that stuff. Maybe I'll feel like I can trust people more and open up to my friends. Maybe I'll date a new person each night of the week. I will be the dating QUEEN. Does anyone actually want to be the queen of Tinder? Probably not. Or maybe it won't have any effect at all and I will just be same old me without the vaginal pain. Either way I would just be happy if my vagina could just not be in excruciating pain each time I poke it. That would be a start.
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