I've taken a break from my dilating for a few days because my period arrived and that frankly is enough for one week without dilating my vagina at the same time. So I thought in the absence of actual dilation, I would make a post about what works for me. I am by no means an expert so this is just a personal opinion not a professional one. This is still very much a work in progress for me, I have not overcome Vaginismus yet, but I am getting there!
First up: Understanding the point of vaginal dilating for Vaginismus:
This sounds obvious but the first time I was introduced to vaginal dilators I hadn't got a Vaginismus diagnosis, the doctors were just giving it a shot as they had run out of ideas. It wasn't successful because I didn't do it properly. I didn't understand what I was doing or why.
For anyone who doesn't know what I'm talking about, it is exactly as appealing as it sounds. That is to say, not very. It involves a set of firm/hard plastic or silicone tube shaped things which are meant, I guess, to mimic a penis. A set usually contains around 6 dilators, gradually (ish) increasing in size. You start with the smallest and gradually insert it into your vagina over a period of time and move up the scale, once you are comfortable with that size. The purpose isn't to stretch the vagina as the name suggests but instead is meant to gradually introduce your beloved Foo to the idea (and physical reality) of penetration in a safe environment where you can focus on being calm and relaxed.
The tensing of the vaginal muscles that is associated with Vaginismus is a limbic response which means its unconscious. The brain is reacting to what it thinks is a stressful situation and telling your muscles to FREAK OUT and shut all that sex stuff down. So the dilation treatment is to gradually learn, or teach your brain, that penetration is possible and it doesn't need to provoke the tightening response.
Make sense? Take notes, I might test you later.
Ok so now you understand the basic premise behind vaginal dilation, but it still sounds really miserable. And scary. Staring down six faux penis soldiers that look WAAAY too big to go in there. Whelp. Although nothing changes the reality of dilating, there are things you can do to make yourself a lot more comfortable, and dial back the scare factor. The list below is some things that I have found useful:
Get some nice dilators
TREAT YO SELF. Not all vaginal dilators are the same. If you can afford to, get yourself some nice looking ones which are less intimidating. The ones I originally purchased were horrible white glossy hard plastic things that were a little terrifying. I purchased my lovely pink curved silicone set last year from StressNoMore I know it sounds silly but they feel softer, warmer, are pink and look much more like a toy which helps me feel more comfortable with them. Which is SO important when you're trying to minimise anxiety. I actually wanted to try the vibrating set that Sh-womenstore have they have but they were always sold out which made me sad. I've heard good things so maybe a Christmas present to myself if I can't get past dilator numero cuatro (look at me actually WANTING to get a fancy new dilator set, progress!).
My dilating set is actually a mix of three, to get the best range of sizes. To compliment my beautiful pink set, I have something that is even smaller which I used as a first step to build confidence, and then I have kept the largest one from the horrible white set because the biggest size in the pink set feels like it may not be big enough (just a hunch, no actual basis in evidence). I still live in fear of that last white one. I think it was made for horses.
Make peace with your dilators.
If you can't look your dilators in the eye and feel neutral then the chances are you're going to struggle to put them inside your vagina. When I first had my set I felt dread, fear, and anxiety and stayed in this place for ages. My therapist helped me to get past this. It was really important for me to stop freaking out about dilating, before actually attempting to dilate. Again, so obvious in hindsight. So, look them in the eye. Hold them in your hand. Make peace with them. Name them if you must. Stick googly eyes, moustaches and feather boa's on them. Make them your Covid lockdown buddies. Like Tom Hanks and Wilson on their desert island. But less beach and more hand sanitiser.
Mindset
An extension of the point above really but this counts all the way through treatment. If I'm feeling fragile or not in a good place then I don't dilate. If I'm feeling extremely negative about dilating, then I don't dilate. If I'm on my period and everything is hurting and my hormones are like a rollercoaster ride, I don't dilate. It's ok to take a break for a few days, as long as you do eventually get back on the horse! I always used to worry that if I missed a few days I would go back to square one, but for me personally I can more or less pick up where I left off. Maybe a small back step if its been a long break (like, 7 months) but I get back on track quickly.
Relaxation
I know, I know. Everyone bangs on about being relaxed and letting go of tension like our vagina's need to go to some yoga retreat and that will solve everything. When you're not even consciously tensing your vaginal muscles it's a hard one to swallow. I know because it makes me rage when a doctor just says 'relax and have a glass of wine' because that isn't helpful or true. That isn't what I'm saying here. I'm saying conscious relaxation of the mind and vaginal muscles can make dilation easier. I really do have much better sessions when I've spent 5 or 10 minutes relaxing before I start. Plus it's just nice, you know? Who doesn't want to feel relaxed?
So for me this looks like lying back on my bed for 5 minutes before I start, eyes closed, deep breathing like yoga. Soft lighting, a little music or the radio on quietly, no interruptions, becoming aware of when I'm tensing or relaxing my pelvic muscles (urgh, kegels). Sometimes I even light a fancy candle because smell connects us to good happy feelings and also it's nice to not smell lube all the time. It does take practice to consciously relax in a situation that naturally makes you anxious, so don't be disheartened if you don't get there straight away.
Routine & Habit
I have come to the realisation in the last two years that despite my CONSTANT protestations that I am just the busiest person alive, I DO have time for the gym, and I DO have time for vaginal dilating. My problem was that I wasn't prioritising it. Now, don't get me wrong, there are definitely weeks when work is crazy or there is some sort of family madness happening and it's OK to dial it back on those weeks, but generally speaking most of the time, me personally, I DO have time to fit it in (no pun intended), it's just a case of getting into a habit.
I like to use the same days each week if I can, at the same time of day (evenings) for a similar amount of time. Otherwise I just lose the whole routine and drop out. Then if I have extra free time and feel in the mood for a bonus session then I go for it. It's the same with my gym workouts.
Some people like to use mornings before work but evenings are more relaxing for me and I am single so I don't have anyone lying next to me disturbing my peace (perks!).
Lube up!
Yeah it's kinda gross, it even sounds gross, and it gets EVERYWHERE but it is very much essential to dilating, so make peace with it, or put a towel down. Or both. As I'm writing this it occurs to me that I was very judgey about lube when I was younger, I genuinely thought that it was just something people used when they were doing some weird sex things and so I felt uncomfortable buying or using it. That my friends is a product of poor sex education in the UK. Thankfully I'm older and wiser and realise that lube just makes everything easier and slippier. Vive la lube!
There are also LOADS of different types. I haven't tried all of them but I strongly recommend going for the more natural/plain varieties and avoiding scented, flavoured or tingly ones. I used a tingly once many moons ago. Fuck. That. My Vaginismus does all the vaginal burning I need thank you, without chemical assistance.
START SMALL
Literally and figuratively. I have a slight tendency to be over enthusiastic but sometimes less is more. When I started dilating again after I first saw my therapist, I threw myself into it and committed to myself that I would dilate EVERY DAY FOR THIRTY MINUTES. I also thought I didn't need to start with the smallest one. Guess what, I got sore, I gave up, and then I missed a load of days. Sigh.
So, start small. Build your confidence gradually. This is all about training your brain which takes time. Maybe its twice a week at first. If you want to do more then you can but only once you're comfortable with that. If you started back at the gym after years of no exercise you wouldn't go every single day.
Recognise that you don't need to put the whole thing in straight away, in fact, with most dilators there's no need to ever put the whole length in. My dilators are tapered from the tip to the end so I do have to put the full length in to get the widest diameter, but I don't do that in one go. I work up from just resting the tip against my vagina opening, to gradually inserting 25%, 50%, 75% and 100% as the sessions progress. I stop at a point where I feel comfortable and work on going further in the next session. When I am ready to move up a size, I will sort of prep with the current size and then move up to the bigger size in the same session.
Accept each session for what it is
And not for what you think it should be. That's easier said than done and requires a lot of presence of mind and no, I don't always achieve it. Sometimes I dilate and don't get as far as a previous session. Sometimes I have to go back to the next size down. It really fucking sucks but I try to remember that I'm now much further along than I was when I started, there are peaks and troughs and its all about the squiggly journey.
Also please please please don't force it! It's so frustrating when you're stuck on a dilator size (like I am right now) and you just want to get past it but it can set you back. I focus only on the step I'm currently on I try not to think too much about how many more steps I have to go, because that sends me spiralling.
Make it fun!
Yes, that's right. Sometimes dilating can feel pleasurable. WHAT?
I think people often talk about dilating as a completely non-sexual medical serious thing that we have to tolerate. My therapist encouraged me to think about including arousal and making the sessions with dilators more fun. After all, sex is meant to be pleasurable and we are trying to build positive associations to penetration. It's also harder to use the larger dilator sizes without any arousal, just like you shouldn't attempt sex without arousal.
I had (still have?) some pretty negative associations with sex and my vagina. I'd buried all sense of my own sexuality along with the box of dilators in my wardrobe so I had to work on resurrecting that first. Surprisingly it didn't take that long once I'd warmed up to the idea. I also bought a vibrator and experimented with masturbation. I started working out what I liked, what I didn't like.
As well as making it feel more fun, arousal actually leads to physiological changes in your body including your vagina. Its very important, it's responsible for things like lubrication and also dilating (ha!) your vagina a little more than usual. I know this sounds obvious but its rarely mentioned.
Dilating aside it's just really important that you get to know your likes, dislikes and that you know that you can enjoy sex without p in v. It's about the whole experience and you'll need to communicate with your partner about this to make sure what they are doing is working for you. The best way to do that is to find out for yourself!
Be kind to yourself
Dilating is difficult, it takes time and commitment, so you are doing really well just by persevering. Recognise your small wins. Reward yourself. If you have to go back a step that's totally ok, I often do. You can and will get further in time.
This leads nicely into my golden rule, this appears in all of my Vaginismus rulebooks - DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP IF YOU MISS A DAY, OR TEN, OR 7 MONTHS. Just get back to it as soon as you can.
I missed you know, several years, in my journey, and that's done so I don't care. I'm still on my journey, still making progress. It doesn't matter. If you're kicking yourself for missing the whole of last weeks sessions 'cause you were busy, that's not going to get you back on track. That's just going to make you feel bad. And we don't want to associate dilating with feeling bad. We want to associate it with feeling good. The only thing that will get you back on track is getting back into dilating going forwards.
It's OK to take a break
I take breaks all the time if I get into a rut or into some negative thought patterns. If I start seeing a backwards trend, I can sometimes get into a negative thought spiral, which of course makes the next session worse. In those situations I try to take a break of at least a couple of days, to give myself some mental space.
What's in my dilator kit?
5 Inspire Dilators in pink
1 White horse-sized Dilator from original Amielle Comfort set (I binned the rest when I moved house, 'cause I prefer the Inspire set)
Boots Silky water based lube
Sylk water based lube
Sh! water based lube
Lelo Lube
Therapy diary (brown)
Dilator diary (yellow)
Ann Summers Mini Bullet vibrator (very old)
Lelo Lily 2 Vibrator (wine and chocolate scent - yeah, you heard me)
Condoms which I hilariously bought when I started dating. You know, just in case my Vaginismus went on holiday. Unused 12 months later. Very sad.
1 Vagi-wave (don't believe the website hype, I just used it as a mini dilator to get started. It is, rather alarmingly, not displayed in the image above as its currently missing - whelp!)
Not displayed: Towel, damp cloth, tissues.
What a vaginal dilation session is like for me (my rituals):
I will lie back in my bed, making sure the room is a nice warm temperature so I'm not tensing from cold. I get my dilators and the lube up to body temperature by either holding them in my hand or lying them near my body for a while. This means I'm less likely to tense than if I put a freezing cold one in.
While they are nicely warming, I try to relax for 5-10 minutes before I do any dilating. That might be just lying there, with my eyes closed, doing some deep breathing (long inhales, long exhales). I might stroke parts of my body and I might introduce some arousal.
When I feel ready I will apply a whole load of lube to the dilator, and I will hold the tip of it against the opening of my vagina. This usually feels good because I'm aroused, so that helps me relax. I'll rest it there for a minute or so just to get used to it. Then I will begin to insert the dilator. I do this extremely slowly. While I'm doing it I still have my eyes closed and I'm focusing on maintaining the deep breathing and also keeping my pelvic muscles relaxed (your therapist can teach you how to do this). This was a massive game changer for me - recognising when I was tensing my muscles - since I didn't originally even know I was doing it.
I don't insert the dilator all in one go. The process takes some time. The way I manage to keep my muscles relaxed is to do it in stages. So I'll apply a little pressure to insert the dilator slowly (not forcing it) on each exhale and pause on the inhales. I got into doing this after thinking about how I do yoga and Pilates, a lot of the moves are done on the exhale. And it works for me with this too. Some people also recommend twisting the dilator to relax the muscles, or even having your mouth open in an 'O' shape, like when you apply mascara, but this doesn't work for me.
If it starts to hurt at any point I don't push through. I pause, focus on breathing and releasing my pelvic muscles and then if it subsides I continue. If it's still uncomfortable (my therapist said to never go above a 4/10 on your personal pain scale) then I'll remove it slightly, or even completely and call it a day.
I vary the amount of time I have the dilator in for depending on how the session is going and also how much time I have available. In fact, if you've just started dilating or you've moved onto a new size I would start with a minute or two and work up slowly to longer periods. Sometimes for me its only two minutes, sometimes its 20 minutes. Both are ok I think. The most important thing is just turning up to the session (said wisely, like a wise Yogi).
When the dilator is in I try to maintain my arousal, my deep breathing and keeping my muscles relaxed. It requires less focus than when I'm actually inserting it. I find that I have to loosely hold it so it stays in place, as I think my muscles tend to slowly squeeze it out otherwise. Sometimes I might be on my phone or something if I'm super chill and require less arousal.
Once the time is up I will slowly remove the dilator. This is actually the hardest part for me to keep my muscles relaxed. So I do the same thing. I use deep breaths and slowly remove on the exhale while focussing on keeping my muscles relax.
Afterwards I try to reward myself and reflect positively. I also maintain a brief diary of each session so I can see how I'm doing. Also if the session didn't go well (often the case) I try to catch any negative thought patterns before they spiral and think about the positives and the next step.
Lastly I just want to emphasise something. My progress and my comfort varies session to session. Some are better than others. Sometimes I go back a step for no apparent reason. That's totally normal and the next time might be better. So try not to freak out if you didn't get as far on today's session as last week. It's all adding up and you will get there.
I hope this helps you to feel comfortable and helps you to enjoy your sessions.
Happy dilating!
As always this is just what I have found works for me. I've arrived at it through working with my therapist, trial and error, and tips from others. This post isn't meant to replace professional guidance, I'm definitely not a professional Vagina dilator although if that is a career I think I could do well. Any takers?!
I don't receive any benefit from linking to the products I use, my opinions are my own, I'm just showing you what I use.
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