It's Wednesday again! Already! That absolutely was not seven days, someone stole Thursday to Tuesday and I demand them back.
It's also December. W-h-a-a-a-a-t
Considering that I've spent the vast majority of this year in some form of Covid lockdown, it has absolutely flown by. Time flies when you're.. having fun?
Anyway, on to my progress. I'm pleased to say that this week in general hasn't been as traumatic as last week. Some extremely sad moments but the initial shock has faded and I've had lots of cuddles from the other dog in my life. It is the BEST medicine.
I've been thinking that perhaps having a dog in your life could be considered beneficial for Vaginismus. Having a pet can be incredibly therapeutic and significantly reduces stress and anxiety. Stress and anxiety are amplifiers for pain. Therefore, get a dog. Your vagina will thank you.
Dilating Progress
Ooook well this is a little awkward since I haven't done any dilating again. I thought I would have by now but I have been feeling very low still, pretty stressed and very high anxiety levels. I don't think I'm procrastinating, but it's possible.
I decided instead to focus some of my time on relaxation in the evenings (ok now it definitely sounds like procrastination) and also looking into Cognitive Hypnotherapy and self-guided CBT exercises. I have also been sleeping terribly (anxiety) so I've also been trying to do mindfulness and/or some short yoga each day to try to improve that.
My focus seems to be pretty far away from my vagina but I think it's important to recognise that pain has a psychological as well as a physical element to it and so by reducing my anxiety levels and increasing my presence of mind, I will hopefully end up in a better place to start dilating again. And then my period will probably arrive. Super.
Some of the things I'm doing include:
Journaling and using an emotion wheel to express what I'm feeling. This really helps to get all my worries, concerns and feelings out of my head and onto the page. What's making me anxious, what's stopping me from sleeping. It helps reduce the noise a little and helps me to do a reality check on what I'm thinking.
Mindfulness sessions before sleep using the Calm app - I've found this pretty useful for quite a while now, I just use the free bits which are a bit limited but there's tonnes of stuff on there if you get a subscription. I find that it helps me to focus on the moment which stops my mind becoming so dizzy with thoughts. I've actually found it much harder to practice mindfulness in the past two weeks, I suppose because my anxiety has been so much higher it's more difficult to press pause.
Yoga - just a basic 10 or 20 minute session every day for beginners on YouTube. Since in person classes are still banned in my area! I can recommend Yoga with Adrienne, I often use her 20 minute beginner session. This is the best thing for me for quietening my mind, it's wonderful.
Doing things I enjoy - Since I'm busy with work and still in a Tier 3 Covid location this has basically been petting a dog, taking a solitary walk to the park or simply lying down in a dark room with my eyes closed (bliss).
Cognitive Hypnotherapy & CBT
If you read my post last week you will have seen that I watched a video by Sheren Gaulbert where some of the theory and techniques of Cognitive Hypnotherapy were introduced. My interest has officially piqued! This is a pretty new therapy to me. I'm still learning about it but it's very interesting.
I'm not in a position to attend actual therapy sessions at the moment due to my living situation and the fact that I am never alone due to lockdown. There are however some exercises that I found on Sheren Gaulbert's website so I thought I might dabble a little by myself. I'm very aware that this isn't therapy, this is just me dipping a toe in. I feel quite comfortable tackling these deep introspective subjects on my own but I'm very aware that not everyone will so I would recommend that you seek guidance from a professional rather than following my example.
The first exercise I tried was a journaling exercise writing down what beliefs I hold (in relation to my Vaginismus) that I'd like to change. It's an interesting exercise because this is something of a sticking point for me. I know I hold all sorts of beliefs and 'truths' as a person, and it's no different when it comes to vaginismus. I've done quite well since my CBT at changing some of these beliefs. I've even done a bit of a U-turn on some of them.
I think what did it for me on those ones was being challenged by my therapist on some of those beliefs (gently) and being introduced to an alternative way of thinking. It didn't happen overnight. I let it simmer for approximately 6-12 months on a low heat and I slowly came round to the idea. After some time I started to consciously correct the way I thought about something and how I behaved in certain situations. I started to deal with difficult situations by actively taking control of them or by altering them to something more manageable. I kept a journal of my thoughts and I'd use forums both to read and to offer support to others. The more information I digested, the more it convinced me that my new beliefs were valid.
The trickiest thing I find is that sometimes I can logically know something isn't true, but I still find it hard to change that ingrained belief. I suspect these are the areas that I might need some help with from a professional. I'll pop it on the backburner for now!
The second exercise I tried was visualising and writing about what I want to achieve from my treatment. What would my life look like if I achieved my goals? This is an interesting one that came up in the early CBT sessions I had. My therapist asked me what I wanted from therapy. I thought at the time this was the most STUPID question ever. I wanted to get rid of my symptoms, to be cured, to be pain free, to be able to have PIV sex. Now, a couple of years on, my goals are actually quite different. I think I'm correct in saying that the goal behind this exercise is about taking the focus off what Sheren calls the 'blue elephant'. Basically the more you try to NOT think about your Vaginismus, the more you think about it. You can't let go of it and it's everywhere you turn. So it's about reframing how you see your life post-recovery without writing down things like being 'pain free' but picturing what would happen if you were pain free. Don't take my word for it, visit the website for a significantly improved explanation ;)
While we're on the subject of goals, I have written a little about my 2020 goals and how to your own goals in a way that is realistic and constructive. In writing this I'm realising that it's nearly 2021 eeeek. To be fair I only set my 2020 goals in September so, that's OK.
Looking ahead to next week:
Oh gosh do I even dare say that I'm going to try dilating? Really?!
Here's the deal. I'm not going to commit to dilating, but if the mood takes me I will pick them up. OK? Maybe tonight is the night. Wink wink.
What I WILL commit to is continuing the relaxation, the mindfulness, the yoga, the self care. I think that's the most useful thing to me now. I'm going to continue with my journaling and exploring my beliefs and see where that takes me. See you next Wednesday!
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