Oh hello period. Womp Womp.
Seriously I thought this just happened like last week. This is too much. I would like to defer please.
This week has been a little bit of a write-off for dilating (and everything) which has put a downer on things since my two-month anniversary of dilating. Did I mention that? I think I might have mentioned that. TWO MONTHS OF DILATING. Sorry not sorry. Super proud. Must get a trophy.
So the start of this week was the run up to my period which for me is actually worse than the actual period itself so any dilating sessions I have done have been less successful than usual (i.e. really uncomfortable). Such a shame! I had new lubes to try out and everything. Pretty annoying.
I'm OK with it though. I am channelling my inner yogi and accepting this week for what it is - a blip in an otherwise faultless record (kidding). In all seriousness I'm happy that I've still managed to do some dilating and I'm even more happy that I've been able to take days off here and there without beating myself up too much. I am wonderful.
I'm at the tail end of my period now so getting ready to go back to my usual dilating-most-days routine. I'm going to make the most of a night off tonight and chill out with a bit of cake and some ginger beer while watching the new series of The Crown on Netflix. It's called self care, look it up.
Dilating Progress
Ok what have we done this week?!
I started a new job finally after an exceptionally long period of unemployment which feels GREAT but I am a little uneasy about what it means for my energy levels and dilating routine. Watch this space!
I also took the plunge and started tweeting under the @anxiousvagina handle which I've been putting off for ages. I've been terrified of stumbling into the dark malicious side of twitter. So far all I've done is say hello, so I should be safe for now (I think?). I do however have the word 'vagina' in my name and also a depiction of a vulva as my image BUT it's for health reasons so I think that's OK? Let's see if I get banned.
After I finished celebrating my TWO MONTH DILATING ANNIVERSARY I expanded my ever-growing lube collection with a couple of special ones. These are the ones I bought last week and I have tried them but I'm looking forward to properly testing them out on some non-period days so I can see what all the fuss is about. So far the seem decent - messy! - but decent.
I also got inspired to try a new position for dilating - hello! I'll be honest with you, it wasn't great and I immediately went back to my standard one but it's good to try these things. It was an upright position, basically kneeling down. In theory I thought it would be more comfortable but it was not. I think because its harder to relax if you're actually using your leg muscles to stay upright.
I've skipped some dilating days this week (oops) but so far have not going spiralling into a pit of despair per my usual pattern so I'm exceptionally happy about that. I put a post together over the weekend about some tricks I use to pick myself up out of those low moments which I hope you might find useful.
Oh also, something weird happened today. I was eating lunch and my mum casually asked whether I needed to have Botox in my vagina again any time soon. Firstly, it's OK we live together so it's Covid-safe. Secondly, WHAT? Who does that. We literally never talk about my Vaginismus, and she just drops that on me mid-soup. She's lucky I didn't spit it out in shock. I did a really long uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, mumbled something about the health risks associated with Botox and fled the room. I'm going to take this as a sign that I need to work harder on one of my key 2020 goals which is to open up more to the people in my life about my Vaginismus. I am obviously not doing well at that. And it's nearly 2021.
Looking ahead to next week:
Umm. Not be on my period is my main goal. Which should be very achievable.
Aside from that I really want to just get back into a routine (I feel like I say this every single week..?) and also I need to try out my new lubes properly!! That's all I ask. Routine and lube. I promise I will write about the lube in a nice long helpful post.
I'm not going to bother saying that I'll open up to a friend this week about my Vaginismus, because it's just not going to happen. I'm just not there yet. I will continue to talk to the internet. That's perfectly healthy.
Catch you next week!
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