Sometimes living with Vaginismus and going through dilator treatment can get overwhelming. It is a very difficult thing to have to deal with and it can be very isolating. Particularly if you're experiencing a setback in your treatment.
I've had many MANY set backs over the years with my Vaginismus and they always seem to come out of nowhere and knock me off my feet. Sometimes I feel sad, sometimes I feel guilt and shame, sometimes I'm so angry I could scream. It can often feel like I'm the only person going through this (I'm definitely not!). Most of the time I can cope with the ups and downs that come along but every now and then I'll get stuck and can't see a way out very easily. Of course it's not just Vaginismus that can make us feel like this and often we have to cope with other setbacks in our lives at the same time which makes things that little bit harder.
That's why I decided to write this post this week. Two weeks ago I fell into a bit of a downward spiral and it took me a while to get out of it. It was triggered by a series of 'bad' dilating sessions, where my pain score seemed to be getting worse each time, rather than better. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone. It happens more often than I would like and each time I get a jolt of panic and a feeling of dread wash over me. I get frustrated and angry and I feel like giving up. THANKS VAGINISMUS.
I'm out the other side now but I wanted to acknowledge that going through dilating can be physically and emotionally difficult. I also wanted to see if I could provide some practical steps on how to get out of this spiral if you find yourself there.
A quick note before we start. I'm not a medical doctor, a psychologist or a therapist. This post is based on my own personal experience and what I have learned. If you are feeling vulnerable, overwhelmed or depressed then please consult with a doctor to get the help that you need for your situation.
In my own experience consulting with a therapist was immensely helpful. They can help you manage your journey in different ways depending on what you need. There's no need to navigate this on your own. That's not to say that everyone MUST or SHOULD see one, but at least consider it and be open to the idea. The reason I have a positive mindset about my self and my Vaginismus is as a result of seeing a therapist. It took a long time for my brain to come round to it but it has been really beneficial for how I frame my condition and my treatment, and how I live my life.
It's OK to not be OK
It's totally ok to be pissed off! To be sad. Angry. Upset. Jealous. Elated. Jubilant. All of it is OK. These are really normal emotions that you feel in response to something that happens in your life. The goal of this post isn't for you to stop feeling these emotions, it's to regain some sort of balance so that they don't take over. It's about how you can through those bad days without giving up.
8 Ways to cope in the moment
Maybe you already know but if not then I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this: it's almost inevitable that you will have a setback in your treatment at some point. Dilating is not a linear process with each session getting easier than the last. There are peaks and troughs and sometimes you get stuck. So rather than focusing on how to keep motivated and keep going, I want to look at what you can do to pick yourself back up again once you fall down.
Everything listed in this section is about stopping, taking a breath and trying to reframe the situation in a more helpful way.
Circuit-breaker - Vaginismus can be overwhelming. It's not just about dilating. It affects relationships, confidence, self worth and so much more. If you're feeling completely overwhelmed there's a good reason for that. Sometimes the best thing you can do is step back and give yourself a break from it. In terms of dilating this could look like taking the week off. If you're trying to progress to penetrative sex with your partner perhaps you can take that off the table for a while and work on other areas of intimacy. If you're getting stuck with inserting tampons, switch to pads. Emotionally, see if you can give yourself a break from thinking about Vaginismus for a week or so. You probably won't lose much progress by taking a short break and you will return in a much better place.
Distraction - Making some time during your day to do something that focuses your brain on something else can give you a mental break. This might be as simple as going for a walk, doing something creative, relaxation or mindfulness exercises, or anything else that you enjoy. It might not fix the problem but it will give you some headspace which is important to be able to reframe it and move forwards. I find it incredibly therapeutic to spend time painting, or walking in nature or swimming.
Stopping your negative thoughts in their tracks - This is about becoming aware of what your thought pattern is and putting a stop to it rather than letting it continue to spin out of control. For me this looks like my internal voice literally saying STOP when my thoughts get overwhelming. It helps me to visualise those busy anxious thoughts dropping to the ground when I say STOP. I'll admit that this takes a bit of practice and sometimes they do crop up again but it does reduce the noise in the moment.
Deconstructing a catastrophe - One of my brains favourite things to do is to take a problem I'm having and let my imagination run wild with it. In other words, catastrophising the situation. This makes a small problem into a giant one super fast. For example, if I have a particularly painful dilating session my brain interprets this as an almighty failure and evidence that the treatment will never work for me and I will be alone forever. The best way I have found to counteract this is again noticing the thoughts and then taking 5 minutes to write down what the problem actually is versus what I think is going to happen as a result. Once it's on paper and out of my head it suddenly becomes clear that I've created this worst-case-scenario from one bad session, which isn't realistic.
Challenging and rationalising your negative thoughts - I'm naturally a little on the pessimistic side, particularly when it comes to my Vaginismus so it's important for me to check in every now and then to see if things are really going how I think they are. For example if I feel like I've had a terrible week and I'm feeling down, I use my personal dilating diaries to assess what has gone well and what hasn't gone well recently. I then match that up to how I FEEL things have gone and try to balance the two. Usually I focus too much on the bad stuff and I forget about all the good stuff, so this is a bit of a reality check. I sometimes use an emotion wheel to help my articulate what I'm feeling during this process.
Positive affirmations - This is still quite new for me and feels a little silly at first but I've found it surprisingly helpful, even if it does feel a little weird. I use it during some of my dilating sessions even if I'm feeling OK and I also use it if I'm feeling particularly down about my progress. It's pretty simple, I basically say positive and empowering things out loud to myself such as "you are doing really well with your treatment, just look at how far you have come" "this dilating session is going to be really comfortable, you're going to take it super slow and can stop at any time". It's a bit like a pep talk to yourself and the more you say it the more you believe it, and it works!
Lean on your support network - Speaking to people about your treatment and how you're feeling is really important. This might be a friend or your partner, but if you can, try to get someone on your team who is also going through the same thing. It doesn't have to be in person either. When I have a particularly down period I hop online to some Vaginismus forums and throw my frustrations out there into the ether. It feels good to get it out, I feel seen and heard and I often get really lovely messages back from people. If you're feeling up to it, try sharing some advice with others. It can give you a sense of control and you get a warm fuzzy feeling from helping out someone else too.
Try to make the situation more manageable - If you are feeling particularly overwhelmed by the situation, you might have too much on your plate. I fully believe the trick to getting started with something is to take the smallest single step you can on that path. What's one thing you can do today that will make you feel better about your journey? It can be the teeniest thing but it gets the ball rolling and gives you some positive encouragement once you have done it.
Try some of these out next time you get stuck with your treatment and feel like you want to give up. Like everything they get easier with practice and I hope you can find something useful in here for yourself!
What not to do
Once again my friends I am here to share with you my previous failures so that we can collectively learn from them. Today we are talking bad coping strategies.
Coping strategies are patterns of behaviour that a person adopts in response to a particular situation or event to better cope with it. There are good ones and there are bad ones. Good strategies are things that are constructive and help you move through the situation whereas bad ones are often avoidant and sometimes damaging.
I am the actual QUEEN of avoiding things. I am a champion procrastinator. I run far away from conflict and I will go out of my way to avoid situations that I'm scared of. In stressful situations I tend to disengage, withdraw socially and emotionally. I replay situations in my head countless times obsessively, even if they haven't happened yet. It's like some form of mental torture.
Many of these things make me feel like I'm retreating to a place of safety, which sounds like a good thing to do, but that doesn't fix whatever the problem is. Similarly spending too much time looking backwards in a Shoulda-Woulda-Coulda fashion means that I'm stuck in the past rather than focused on moving forwards. That's not to say that we can't review and learn from a situation but we do need to turn around and move forward at some point. You don't win a race facing the start line after all.
Because I know myself and I know that I default to these bad coping strategies, I'm able to get ahead of the game a bit and try to put things in place to stop myself getting to that point. That's not to say that I don't procrastinate at all, or that I don't avoid anything ever. I absolutely do. But I try to push myself, when I can, to deal with things in a healthier way.
Building better coping strategies
This is quite a complex thing to do and it isn't going to happen overnight but it IS possible to become more resilient to life events by building some good coping strategies. I strongly recommend working with a therapist to help you do this but in the meantime these are some of the things that I do to manage my way through this journey.
Practicing acceptance - This means accepting whatever is happening and making peace with it. What your body looks and feels like, how your body moves and reacts when you are dilating, your sex life, your current stage of treatment, your progression. If you are able to accept each dilating session for what it is, even when it goes wrong, then you attach less significance to it. That means if and when something does go wrong you're less likely to get fixated on it and are more able to move on to the next one with a calm mind.
Journaling - I keep brief diaries of every single dilating session including pain scores and how I feel about the session. Even on my break days I try to write something down quickly about how I'm feeling and why I've taken a break. It enables me to accurately keep track of my progress over time and recognise how I'm doing emotionally. It also enables me to challenge any negative thoughts or perceptions that I may have because I can actually go back and check what the real situation is.
Build a support network - I spend some time every now and then on Vaginismus forums which allows me to feel connected to others going through the same situation. It has the added benefit of feeling like I've done a good thing by helping others with their own questions. If you're feeling open to it, bringing your partner into your dilating can also be helpful (if you have one), or opening up to your friends (if you have done this, you are braver than I am).
Avoid avoidance - I'm being a massive hypocrite here but try to face your fears instead of avoiding them. Find a way through your problems rather than hiding from them. I'm still working on this, sometimes I manage it sometimes I don't but I know that hiding away from dilating isn't going to get me anywhere.
Trying to maintain a positive mindset - Recognising the good stuff that you are doing as well as the bad stuff that might happen. Celebrate all those small wins as well as big milestones. Define your own success, don't compare your progress to anyone else's. This can even look like making yourself a playlist full of songs you find inspiring or going outside and doing something fun once a week.
Self compassion - Cut yourself some slack! Treat yourself as you would a friend. If your friend told you they'd had a set back, would you shout in their face about how much of a failure they are or would you reassure them that they'd doing the best they can and remind them how strong they are? Exactly. Be kind to yourself.
Self Care - Basically doing the things that you need to do to stay healthy psychologically and physically. This might be doing some exercise, going to bed earlier, switching your work phone off after 7pm, doing some yoga or mindfulness, keeping a journal. It's also important to focus on other aspects of your life, not just your Vaginismus. This can help to put it into perspective and help you to recognise that this doesn't define you. It also has the benefit of making you more resilient if you have a set back, because you'll have other good things in your life to hold onto.
I hope that helps you to shake off the negative feelings that you may have from time to time with your treatment. I'd love to hear what you use to get through these times so please get in touch!
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