I was still bundled up in my scarf-blanket this morning, contemplating whether or not to put actual non-PJs on (I eventually did) when my phone buzzed. I was ecstatic to read that it was my TWO MONTH ANNIVERSARY OF DILATING. I did a little dance inside. And also outside. I have a big grin on my face right now, super happy and proud to have got this far. It's week 1 of lockdown and celebrating properly is tricky so I'll settle for a long wintery walk this afternoon and some therapeutic watercolour painting.
And just when I thought my day couldn't get any better, my delivery of shiny new lubes arrived early! I don't know if you can tell but I'm exceptionally excited to try these out. I picked up YES DG set and Sliquid Sassy because my usual favourite was out of stock in the shops. I opened them and tried them straight away because I have zero self control. I can happily confirm that they are in fact slippery but I have to wait 10 whole hours to try them out properly. I'm trying not to get too hyped up but I've been indoors for four days so this feels a little like Christmas morning. This is actually a perfect way to celebrate the two month anniversary.
P.S. If you're as keen as I am to see how I get on with the new lubes, keep your eyes peeled for a post dedicated to Lube which will be up soon!
Dilating Progress
Alright. Back to earth.
I feel pretty good about my dilating this week, I've had no melting-into-a-pit-of-despair moments for a few days now which is fantastic for me. I've come out of the pendulum swing of dilating too much and then not dilating enough and now I've settled somewhere in the middle. I'm managing to dilate most days and I'm happy to take a break if I need to. Perfect.
I've also been much better at just accepting sessions for what they are this week. It's interesting that I've been able to do this because actually the sessions have been LESS good this week than last week, but last week I was in a meltdown and this week I'm chill. I strongly suspect hormonal fluctuations are having a heavy influence on how I feel about my progress. It's also probably a side effect of taking some of the pressure off which makes it easier to just accept whatever happens. Either way, I'm on-board with it.
My sessions have been more of a struggle this week in terms of feeling comfortable with the dilators. I've been super tired, anxious about work and I have some end-of-cycle symptoms which (prepare for overshare) have made me a little sore before I've even started. But it's ok, it's manageable and won't last forever.
So for now I'm still working on dilator 3. I have had one or two sessions that have been virtually pain free but mostly my scores hit a 2-3/10 on the pain chart. It's really encouraging to get those occasional pain free sessions and I'm hopeful that they will get more frequent.
The Lube-ciddent
This week I had a lube-ciddent. An accident involving lube. I know. I'm a literary genius.
Picture the scene. The UK is about to enter Lockdown 2 (or L2 as it is affectionately known), I notice that my bottle of lube is feeling light and immediately high tail it down to the local Boots store to restock, feeling relieved that I've noticed this before everything shuts down. After circling the car park three times to find a spot I can navigate my car into with my low level of parking abilities, I hop into the store mentally prepared to spend £5 on one bottle of lube and £85 on impulse purchases.
With a basket full of goodies I make my way over to what I affectionately call the sex aisle. My gaze runs over the lube section seeking out my favourite bottle. I don't see it. I glance around again. Nope. It's not here. OH SHIT. I find myself staring anxiously at the sticky strawberry flavoured goo that they outrageously claim is lubricant, hoping that there's a better option.
There is and I reach for the least offensive looking Durex option. Mainly because I don't really know what else to look for. I'm a little sceptical at trying something new but I'm won over by the words 'natural' and 'moisture' and pop it into my basket. It's a clear gel made of mostly water, how bad can it be.
I cracked it open later that night for use during my dilating session. It turns out that its pretty watery and the upside down squeezy tube design lends itself to just spilling everywhere. Immediately my face, hair, hands, lampshade and phone were covered in the stuff. It was seriously messy but seeing as phone was now rendered inoperable, I was reassured that it was at least slippery. It felt perfectly ok on the outside areas of my vulva so I prepped my dilator.
As I began the insertion things were suddenly very much NOT OK anymore. I won't go into detail here but suffice to say that I had an unpleasant stinging sensation when I started to use the dilator. Not cool. Vaginismus brings all the burn I need without any assistance. I abandoned the session after about 1 minute. So now I'm £10 down and have a sore foof.
Everything calmed down once I washed it off and applied some Vagisil so no harm done. I don't honestly know what I'd do without my Vagisil. It's probably my most prized posession. It's worth saying at this point that this post isn't intended to slam Durex or even this particular lube. I'm sure it works perfectly fine for plenty of women but I'm not one of them. We are all different after all and this can be a very sensitive area of skin!
Bereft of my usual favourite, betrayed by my new lube and sulking from a terrible dilating session, I turned to the internet and dropped £30 on some more gentle alternatives (YES and Sliquid). These guys have excellent reputations for being free of nasty chemicals and I was incredibly excited and shocked to see that YES even had reviews from other women with Vaginismus (whaaaat!) so that's already a ringing endorsement.
I guess the lesson from all this is to do your research before buying and proceed with caution when trying new lubes! I fully recommend just trying loads of types (I think I have about 8 in my Vaginismus box right now) and see what works for you. I'm planning to write a post dedicated to the subject in the near future so check back to find out more.
Looking ahead to next week:
Starting next Monday I'm going to be super busy with work so my available time and energy levels are probably going to suffer. I'm going to take it easy with dilating, which means I'll try to maintain the current routine of dilating most days with occasional breaks, but if it's too much I will be ok with reducing it temporarily. I'm writing this explicitly not because I think that you'll be interested in reading it but as a tool to get the message through my thick skull and into my squidgy uncooperative brain that I don't need to freak out if/when I fall off the wagon. So here's the plan:
Importantly I am going to try out my new lubes!!!!
I will also celebrate my two-month dilating anniversary (maybe cocktails with dilator 3?)
Keep going with the routine and maintaining acceptance of whatever happens
Happy Dilating, see you next week!
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