I have a refined technique for telling people about my Vaginismus. It is quite simple, anyone can do it. It is called WINE. I have used it twice now - once for a friend, once for a new partner. The results were successful. It requires less wine each time and there are less tears each time, so my emotional progress is measurable scientifically. The approach a fully functioning adult human should take is to calmly, openly and honestly discuss it with their prospective partner. But I'm not a fully functioning adult human and therefore until further notice, this is my approach. (All joking aside and speaking from family experience using alcohol as a coping mechanism can be disastrous. I just like to have a glass of wine for dutch courage).
My female friends are all about my age. Some of them are having casual relationships, others are in long term committed relationships, and the rest are married and having kids. Either way, they're always talking about sex or giving birth. Both of which aren't currently possibilities for me. It feels like I missed out on the fun of dating in my 20's and I'm still in my 30's making excuses not to join in these conversations. So they have this impression that I'm not interested. Which couldn't be further from the truth. This inevitably all leads to a giant great big feeling of being misunderstood. It's not their fault, I literally haven't told them. For a long time after I became single I just didn't date. In fact I was 30 before I went on my first proper actual date with someone I'd been speaking to over a dating app. Before that I couldn't see the point.
I often kid myself that I would love to be like some of my friends and have casual hook ups but actually, the picture they paint isn't always a good one. I'm also an introvert with self confidence issues so I know I would really hate it. I just think I want it because well, I can't have it. On account of the anxious vagina thing. After a big breakup some years ago, I remember being suddenly excited and thinking that I could date people now. Maybe HE was the problem. Maybe sex would work with other people. He wasn't and it wouldn't. The idea of dating then became terrifying. It wasn't opening up to a committed partner, it meant explaining to strangers about how my vagina misbehaves. I couldn't get past that, let alone engaging in anything sexual.
I had built up p in v sex as this ultimate holy grail and that if I couldn't have it, no one would want to be with me. And if somehow they didn't run away once they found out about the Vaginismus, then it would only be a maximum of 6 months before they realised their mistake and left me. There was literally no scenario in my head for someone accepting and loving me the way I was. So I lived in blissful ignorance on my own, safely not dilating and not even trying to date anyone. Which is OK, except it wasn't what I really wanted. Two years ago I had some sessions with a sex therapist on the NHS. We dug a bit deeper and worked through these rejection scenarios. I had built up this picture of men in my head as only wanting sex. Sound familiar? That's because we are fed this stereotype in modern society that men only want a relationship for sex. They are heartless beings who are not in touch with their emotions. GUESS WHAT. This just isn't true. Sure, there are some men like this, there are also women like this, but most people aren't. This is all a long way of saying that I stubbornly said a big fat HELL NO to my therapist when she gently suggested that I could join a dating app if I wanted to. What was the point. But, over the next two weeks I got curious. She encouraged me to think about it differently. It would just be talking to someone who had already expressed an interest in me, over text messages. Nothing in person, not on the phone, not approaching a stranger. I didn't need to advertise my Vaginismus and I could decide how and when to tell them if it ever progressed further. OK. That didn't seem so bad. I could just delete the app if I panicked, right? So before my next session I joined Hinge and put myself out there.
And then deleted the app less than 24 hours later. I'd got a dozen 'likes' from REAL HUMAN PEOPLE and I freaked out. Then, like a small rescue kitten getting used to its new forever home, I downloaded the app again about a week later when I'd calmed down. The first person that I spoke to, invited me over to his house for dinner after two messages. I politely declined to put myself in an unsafe situation where I may as well bring my own axe and suitcase for him to squash me into once I was dead. After that I met some pretty decent people and struck up some good conversations. Was I actually enjoying this? I'm a bit of an all or nothing person. Once I commit to something I really commit. It's sometimes a useful trait but often means I throw myself into situations a little too hastily, or completely give up. There isn't much middle ground. After talking to a some guys on the app for a couple of weeks I was invited out for drinks. Like actual real in person drinks. That wasn't what I had signed up for. So I hit the brakes again and stalled. But then I thought, what's the harm? It's only a few drinks. I can drink and talk. In fact its literally all I do. I never have to see them again if I don't want to. So I went on my first ever actual in person human date at the age of 30 with a hot Portuguese man. Winning. Now I'll be honest. I'm a real big fan of pastel de nata so our 'spark' might well have been more pastry based than it should typically be. As if he was going to supply me with fresh pastries and live in a beautiful tiled apartment overlooking the sea. In reality we both lived in central London in shit houses and he was a little less good looking and a little shorter than his profile, but who isn't? We had a good time, even though I was late leaving work and sweaty after rushing across the city on a 30C+ day in summer 2019. Good start. I thought date 1 was fun, so agreed to a date 2. Do you see how I seamlessly tricked myself into dating by just focusing on the next immediate step and not the end goal?
Date 2 was disastrously boring. I'd fallen into a trap that I now know to avoid which is Sunday afternoon dates where the days stretch out for an eternity with no escape plan. I'd also mistakenly thought this guy had fun stuff to talk about. He didn't. I eventually defaulted to the 'school night' excuse at 5pm and to my horror he then asked for a review on the date. Face to face. Do people do that? He did not enjoy my review. The 10 minute walk to the station was somewhat uncomfortable as he tried desperately to persuade me to change my mind. Tip: Never try to convince anyone to date you. It is not a good look. I actually had to agree to a third date just to get away and of course I cancelled immediately via WhatsApp. My lesson from this was that there are many reasons why dating might not work out, Vaginismus is just one of them. I took quite a bit of comfort from the fact that I had found someone that wanted to date me and that I actually didn't want to date them. A few uneventful weeks past. Dating apps became a hobby.
Enter hot tall Spanish man. I really like Spanish food so there may be a theme in how I pick men here. We spoke for a little while and felt great chemistry. We had a really fun first date but I got the impression he was only in this for a hook up (maybe this is something I should screen for in messages?). Which I would have been totally fine with but my vagina brain would have raised some objections. We had a second date which led to some fun drunken making out and he wanted to come home with me but I was worried (probably rightly so) that he would reject me, possibly angrily, once he found out that I couldn't have p in v sex. That was a road I didn't want to go down so early in my treatment. So I left him disappointed on my door step and things fizzled out over the next few days. I was really angry at my anxious vagina for this. I'd been super brave and confident and contrary to everything my brain was telling me, found someone almost immediately that I'd like to sleep with but my body wouldn't let me. This is still a source of great frustration. I do wonder (open question) has anyone ever pursued a casual relationship with Vaginismus by doing other stuff than p in v sex? I feel like because you have to get someone to understand the condition, it probably isn't compatible with casual relationships. But maybe I'm wrong on that.
It goes without saying that I was really enjoying the whole dating thing at this point. No one had paid me any attention in YEARS let alone touched me and I was fucking loving it. The apps are really addictive when you are getting matches.
Man #3 - A very pleasant but dull British guy (incidentally no food connection, maybe that was the problem). He was great on paper but no chemistry or compatibility in real life so the date was super boring, I think for both of us. As we were leaving the pub we were obviously acting awkward and the doorman cracked a joke about him letting me go without getting my number. We both did an awful fake laugh. I'd expertly produced an umbrella by this time partly because it was raining but also so that we didn't have to pretend to hug or do a cheek kiss. Despite this he still tried and I hit him on the head with my umbrella accidentally. Neither of us acknowledged the other again after that so it was mutual. Man #4 - Well Jesus Christ if I didn't get myself into an actual relationship off the back of a suggestion by my therapist that I just speak to some boys online. I'm still not entirely sure what happened. I obviously liked this guy. We had fun, had laughs, shared interests and had chemistry. Had I been looking for a relationship? Not really. I'd set out to do this to build my confidence, test the waters, and then went a bit fucking mad and landed myself in a relationship. This made the prospect of having to discuss my Vaginismus very real very quickly. This was not the deal I struck with my therapist (who I had unfortunately stopped seeing by this time dammit!). So several dates in I knew I had to bring it up. I waited until the last possible moment, literally like 2am, after pouring both of us a lot of drinks throughout the night. We were making out and generally having a lot of fun but I felt like it was going to THAT place and so I had to say something otherwise, well, you know. I had rehearsed a few things to say back with my therapist and had written out a mini speech at home (yes, I always tried too hard at school projects). I was desperately apologetic and couldn't look him in the eye. So I just sort of spoke to a piece of furniture. I forget the speech now but I tried to keep it simple and clear and talk about the medical aspects. I think the reason I could do it was that this was a doctor and he had a nice coffee table that I could focus on. And I'd had a lot of wine. He had made it through several dates without pressuring me and in fact it was always me that took the lead with stuff like that which made me feel safe/in control. So I went for it and blurted it out.
GUESS WHAT. He didn't freak out. He certainly wasn't angry. He thanked me for telling him. HE thanked ME. He said we didn't have to do anything, which was good, as the moment had been well and truly extinguished by my speech. He asked me some questions and we spoke for a little while about it. By this point I had stopped talking to the coffee table and instead lay in his lap talking to the ceiling. I don't think I ever looked at his face which shows I still hold some shame/embarrassment about this. I distinctly remember reassuring him that I was seeking treatment and that one day I would be able to have p in v sex. In retrospect I'm annoyed at myself for mentioning that because it was like dangling a carrot. I wish I had focused instead on discussing other ways of having sex. But it was my first go at this so I'm not going to beat myself up. The conversation naturally drew to a close so naturally I fled the scene in an Uber and went back to the safety and comfort of my own bed. The point though, is that I managed to finally discuss it with someone, relatively calmly, and he still very much wanted to see me again.
Jump to present day. We continued things for a few months but alas it did not work out in the long term. But I did enjoy it, I proved that I can have a relationship with someone new, and we had a lot of fun sex that wasn't p in v. HURRAHHHHH
Lets just count the successes here. These are not small wins. These are bloody monumental. I should get four actual trophies and have them on a shelf.
1) I went from being terrified of even creating a dating profile to seriously enjoying dating
2) I told a new person about my Vaginismus and he was more than OK with it
3) We enjoyed a healthy sex life that didn't involve piv sex
4) I got my self confidence back
I still have a lot of work to do to involve any future partners in my treatment and I still need to work on dilation but these are huuuuuge steps forward!
So there we have it. My therapist was proved right. Almost like she had professional training and years of experience. Who knew. Dating is possible. Dating is fun. It's also sometimes terrible. But that's the package deal that everyone gets, even the people without Vaginismus. Note: All anecdotes are pre-Covid. I observe social distancing rules fully.
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