5 Things that suck about being Single with Vaginismus

Being single in your 30's is pretty common so I'm in good company. Many of my friends are single. But I do have one thing that they don't have - Vaginismus.

I should say that I really enjoy being single. Possibly too much according to society and the unfortunate people I've recently dated. I enjoy my own company and I have my own life. I love and am fiercely proud of my independence. That said I know myself pretty well and I suspect that being single also suits me because I get to blissfully ignore my Vaginismus. Most of the time.

Being single means I have more free time and complete control over what I do with my evenings. So if I want a romantic candlelit evening with my dilators then I can do that. There is also no external pressure from a partner to hurry up and 'get better'. There's the added bonus that if you're single you really have no choice but to get to know yourself better - your likes and dislikes, your fantasies, becoming an expert in your own body. The downside is that I'm now so highly skilled at this that any future date really has their work cut out.

I have been in two proper relationships since I have had Vaginismus, with a period of about four years in the middle where I was single and now I'm single once again. Personally, I think I have been able to progress further with my treatment when I'm single than I have in a relationship. But I strongly suspect that's because we didn't deal with it properly in the relationship. I imagine with the right partner and of course being able to communicate your own feelings on the matter (something I still find very difficult), it would be helpful and comforting to have someone at your side.

Without further adieu, here are the top 5 things that suck about being single with Vaginismus!

1. Living in a world obsessed with sex

The society I live in is absolutely obsessed with sex, so for someone who can't have p in v sex, that's very isolating. Netflix, TV, Spotify, women's magazines. They are all full of it. Consume all this and you'll believe that everyone is constantly having mind blowing sex (spoiler: they are not). With the era of dating apps making it easier than ever to engage in casual sex without having to ever see the person again, I'd estimate that dating and sex forms about 80% of what my friends talk about.

It's sometimes hard to be in these friendships when you struggle to join in. Sometimes I make an excuse to leave the room in case someone asks 'have you slept with them yet' after the 1 millionth date.

I have often had to listen to my housemates (with fully functional non-anxious vaginas) having glorious sex while I'm alone in my room miserably shoving a cold plastic dilator into my vag, hoping to God that everyone respects the law of the closed door.

But not everyone is having sex and the sex isn't often mindblowing. And sex also isn't confined to penetration. It's important to try to remember that. Most (not all!) of my friends that hook up with people on tinder emphasise how awful it is and that I'm better of without it. So, I try to maintain some perspective.

2. Dating.

Lets be honest the dating pool in your 30's is like a paddling pool in Death Valley. Shallow at the start and slowly evaporating as time goes on. This applies to everyone, not just those with Vaginismus.

Vaginismus adds an unnecessary layer of complication to the early days of dating that can spoil the fun. I personally don't think that I have the option of a casual relationship. Things I need from a partner are a lot of compassion, patience, understanding and I need to trust them. I don't think I would find these in a hook up. (I would be DELIGHTED to be proved wrong on this point if you feel otherwise!).

So serious relationships (yikes).

If I want to continue to date someone seriously, they need to know that I have Vaginismus and what it means, otherwise I feel like I'm being dishonest and I risk not getting what I need from them. That involves having a non-sexy serious conversation with someone that you've just met about your anxious vagina. For me that's not a nice conversation to have. I'm filled with rejection anxiety and I worry they'll be angry that I didn't tell them sooner. But I can't tell them sooner because I need to trust them first. What I'm most worried about is that if they react badly or even aggressively, it will make it that much harder next time and reinforce some of the negative thoughts I have about the condition.

In reality its perfectly fine if they don't want to continue seeing me because of the Vaginismus, because frankly that is not someone I need in my life. I just need to be able to trust that they will at the very least be compassionate and not freak out. We all know there a lot of men out there that are scared of the word Vagina. And a lot of other people too.

So the way I do this is by really getting to know someone before I tell them. I have really only done this once to-date but I would do the same next time. There is no hard and fast rule of 3 dates, 10 dates or 100 dates. I just spent time with them until I felt that I could talk about it. I didn't feel like I had to explain why we hadn't had sex yet, but if I had felt like that, I think I would have just been honest and authentic and say that I needed to trust them first. I feel like decent people should accept that. If they don't, they're not decent and that my friend is a bullet dodged nice and early, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time!

Also extra tip: date doctors, they're not phased by anything.

3. Motivation & Support

It's very easy to ignore Vaginismus when you're single because you can choose to avoid situations where it would be provoked (except smear tests urgh). And that is some sweet relief. I don't have a partner that is looking forward to my recovery, so I can just pretend that I'm fine. If I'm struggling with the dilators, I can just stop. The only guilt comes from ignoring the calendar reminders. Of course, it may feel nice in the short term but its not at all useful because Vaginismus doesn't self-resolve over time.

HOWEVER. This comes with a downside. Being single also means that I go through all of the consultations and treatments on my own with no support (except when I'm in therapy, which is not the majority of the time). Any decisions I make, I make alone. I don't have anyone to celebrate little wins, or to pick me up when I've had a setback. I don't have the reassurance of knowing that I'm loved despite my Vaginismus. I don't have that person tell me its OK if the treatment isn't 100% successful. (that's where this blog comes in..!)

I'll be completely honest with you. I'm not proud of it but I do get jealous when I read personal stories of people who have overcome their Vaginismus and how they couldn't have done it without their supportive partner. It feels like I'm missing a vital component and that I've lost the battle already.

In my head I reason with myself that if I had a healthy and supportive relationship with someone who accepted the Vaginismus, I would perhaps feel less pressure to 'recover' and it would be more of a bonus than the holy grail I currently see it as. Of course, in reality, I know that it most likely would go the other way and put more pressure on me. But the grass is always greener, right?!

I realise that I don't have to be in a romantic relationship to be able to share my situation with someone, that I could tell a friend and I should focus on working up to that. Until then, I will fire out these posts into the internet universe. Same same.

4. Everyone is getting married and having kids

In my mid 20's it felt like everyone was getting married and now I'm in my 30's it feels like everyone is pregnant and having babies. I love my friends and their partners and I adore their children. It is sometimes also a reminder of something that I struggle to have for myself, especially the older that I get. This is a thought that a lot of single women in their 30's share, regardless of Vaginismus.

Everyone is slowly disappearing into family units which means that I see less and less of them and I wonder if I'm missing a trick that I might regret.

I'm also horrified at the awful childbirths that my friends are having (and keep asking them to stop telling me but they use it as a sort of perverse entertainment). When I do consider possibly maybe someday having kids, I worry that something like this could trigger it all over again. WAIT STOP. This isn't a useful thought, because I haven't actually got over Vaginismus yet the first time round, so it is absolutely bananas to worry and it happening again! This is exactly the sort of shit that feeds the Vaginismus monster. It is also reassuring to know that puppies are also definitely an option.

What I do also know and keep reminding myself of, is that relationships and bringing up kids is rewarding but is really bloody hard. These friends work incredibly hard at their relationships and bringing up their kids, and its not as simple as it looks from the outside. I am very guilty of looking at others and not realising they have their own problems. And I'm also guilty at thinking relationships are plain sailing. I might just go ahead and get PERSPECTIVE tattooed on my forehead.

5. Moving beyond dilation

When I progress comfortably with the last dilator (cos you better believe its gonna happen) I will at some point need to transition from that to having p in v sex with an actual human man. I'm not sure how this will work because I don't actually have one of those yet. (Please send tips on where to find one).

I can't imagine it will be a smooth transition and there will be a bit of back and forth (sorry) so I need a partner that is going to stick around to work through that with me. That has to be someone I fully trust and who understands my Vaginismus.

I have read a number of stories online where women gradually introduces their partner into the dilating process, and eventually progresses onto p in v sex (not much detail on how) using the largest dilator to 'prep' themselves beforehand.

Maybe when I get to that stage I will have a penis on hand but well, what if I don't? It is not looking likely seeing as its currently illegal to go within 2m of anyone outside of your bubble. Do I just keep dilating with the largest dilator until I do? Or do I take a break? Or will that make me go backwards? Do I contact an ex and ask them to practice with me? Is that a terrible idea? Yes. Might I do it anyway? Also yes. What if I'm comfortable with the largest dilator but a penis is horribly painful? How do you bridge the gap? Should I find something in between sizes? Should I maybe use penis size/shaped dildos? So many questions. I know for sure that I will 100% be engaging with a sex therapist again when I reach that point, so that I can pay someone to listen to my unending questions and gently coax me towards a plan. I'm awfully sorry in advance to that poor person.

Sorry folks this was a little more negative than I want a lot of my posts to be but sometimes you just have to acknowledge these things to get them out of your head. I take a lot of comfort in being single just for the fact that tonight I know I will probably get 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, without having to worry about someone lying next to me breathing in an obnoxious manner.

Get in touch! Tell me what you love and hate about being single with Vaginismus!

Plus if you have any stories of being a single vagina owner and progressing past the final dilator without having a perfect partner, please let the rest of us know how you did it so we can bask in your awesomeness.

Note: All anecdotes are from pre-covid times. I no longer live in a house share and I fully observe social distancing rules. Covid has shattered the Tinder hook up dream of my single friends. I think they are secretly relieved.