Greetings from the awkward days in-between Christmas and the New Year where nothing really happens except cheese boards and Twiglets. A.K.A Heaven.
I hope you have managed to have a safe and merry Christmas, despite the various restrictions that may be in place in your community. I was lucky enough to have a good Christmas, even if it was a little quieter than normal. The cherry on top was watching the dogs tear around the grass in Santa hats.
Today was meant to be my get-it-done day. I had really good intentions of doing EVERYTHING but alas my unparalleled laziness stopped me. It began snowing not long after breakfast and I lost my shit. In a good way. At the first hint of snow I regress to being a six year old. Tomorrow I will do all of the things.
Dilating Progress
Things are ticking along in Dilatorland (like Jurassic Park but with oversized dilators rather than dinosaurs) but I don't want to get ahead of myself. I took a cheeky couple of days off over Christmas, oopsie, but other than that I have managed to stick to a rough schedule. I'm nearly back to the level of dilating that I was at before my long break which is bloody fantastic. To recap that is on dilator 3 out of 5, fully inserted for a few minutes with a pain score of around 2 or lower. THAT'S LIKE HALFWAY THROUGH THE SET, RIGHT?!
This week I'm trying to reposition how I think about my dilating. Usually I see it as this frustratingly awful task that consumes huge swathes of my time but if I put it into perspective it's 1 hour out of every 48. Which isn't so bad. So let's see if this mindset sticks.
Since my last post I have made a new vaginismus friend! We were put in touch by the Vaginismus Network and now we regularly exchange emails to moan about our vaginas, exchange insults about our dilators and cast shame on those who judge us for our inability to have PIV sex. Although we can't actually meet in person and we don't speak verbally yet, it's really nice to exchange messages with someone about my uncooperative vagina in real-time. One of my goals for this year was to be able to speak to other people about my condition and I think that I can finally say I've achieved this. I have my new friend and I also have this blog, which I'm grateful to you all for reading. That makes.... six actual people I've told ever. Excluding medical professionals otherwise it would be like 6,578,000.
Nagging thoughts
Serious moment. I have a few nagging thoughts which I want to address. These aren't new, they've been around forever really. The voice in my head is really querying whether dilating is the right thing for me to be doing. I know I've just said that I'm pleased with my progress but there is always a part of me that wonders whether I should focus on myself and my pleasure rather than doing something to enable my partners pleasure? I mean I suppose resolving my vaginismus is both those things, and it is also about getting control of my own body, being able to attend smear tests and wear tampons. Just sometimes my mind stands back and wonders about these things.
I also struggle with low arousal, I've always been on the lower end of the scale (sorry TMI? always TMI) and if I'm a bit sad or upset about anything I can be left with virtually nothing. Which makes dilating a little less enjoyable. I find my drive changes radically as my hormones naturally fluctuate throughout my cycle. I'm not too sure what I can do about this, other than just recognising when these moments are happening and connect them to some cause - e.g. stress, hormone changes. This at least lets me know what's happening, and perhaps make some changes if it's stress. It reminds me that one of my personal issues is that I do feel a certain sense of shame still for having a lower sex drive. I have had partners that have shamed me for it before and a lot of my friends have really high drives, so it's another thing I'm left feeling inadequate over. I do remind myself that everyone is different and there is no 'normal' level. I also note that being anxious about having a low drive is only going to make it worse. Which makes me more anxious. Repeat. URGH. So what do I do about this. I sometimes find it helpful to just take some me time and explore my body and try to enjoy myself, rather than achieve any sort of level of arousal or orgasm. Again sorry TMI but honestly why are you reading this if you don't want to know this stuff ;) The other thing I really struggle with which has just started again today (URGH) is soreness and itching about 10 days pre-period (TMIIIIIII sorry folks). This can make dilating more uncomfortable which means that on a bad month I lose two weeks out of every four where I can't dilate. I am going to consider going back onto the pill, however I don't like the idea of hormonal medications. I have previously found the psychological impact isn't worth the gain. For now I'm just mindful of when I'm in discomfort and use creams to try to alleviate it. I check my usage of shower gels and anything else that might be an irritant.
Looking ahead to next week:
It's New Years Eve tomorrow so I'll be checking in with my 2020 goals in the next few days. I will be doing this in a way that doesn't enable me to beat myself up, but in a way that I recognise the progress that I have made and re-focus on what I want to work on over the next six months or so. Sometimes it's easy to forget the hard work you've put in and the progress you've made, unless you have a diary!
I will also be dilating of course, every other day, as planned
I may do some vulva inspired art - I didn't get round to this over the Christmas week due to err mince pies and wine and general lethargy
I am going to continue to reframe my feelings on how miserable dilating is(n't)
And last but not least I will be setting my 2021 goals!
I hope that you are all able to enjoy a happy, safe and socially distanced New Year! 2020 has been rough in so many ways to so many people. Don't be too hard on yourself if you didn't achieve exactly what you wanted this year. Focus on the stuff that you did well, especially the little things. Be kind to yourself and to others, and most importantly stay safe.
SEE YOU NEXT YEAR (sorry I couldn't resist).
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